Proving that Photoshop retouching can go both ways, picture editors at Women's Day made a right royal mess of Kate Middleton on the magazine's cover. An unfortunate deployment of the "sharpen" button seemed to add about 10 years to Middleton's ordinarily glowing visage, while an artificial sparkle added to her earring gave the duchess the air of being in a detergent commercial. Middleton reportedly ordered a colonial inquest into the matter, while her arch enemy Camilla Parker Bowles told her to stop complaining. "They've been using Photoshop to deform me for 40 years," she insisted. "I don't look a day over 35 in yellow light."

PRINCE PHILIP

Meanwhile, Middleton's indelicate grandfather-in-law Prince Philip was knighted by Australia in recognition of his services to egalitarianism and racial harmony. The country slipped into momentary disbelief before remembering that it was Tony Abbott behind the decision. The Prime Minister later explained the honour was designed as a distraction from his imploding budget, nervous cabinet and abandoned policies. "I wanted to draw attention to someone even more gaffe-prone than myself," he said. The Sir Duke of Edinburgh accepted his knighthood with glee, telling reporters he looked forward to visiting Australia to "throw spears" and see the Viennese Philharmonic.

RUPERT MURDOCH

Appalled by the knighthood of Prince Philip was the entire population of the world, including media baron and Prime Minister-at-Large Rupert Murdoch. "Someone so old and confused should not be in a position of power," the 83-year-old newspaper mogul said of Sir Phil. Tweeting his displeasure from snowed-in New York, he instructed the PM to "forget fairness" and dismiss chief-of-staff Peta Credlin, presumably to replace her with someone of greater integrity such as Rebekah Brooks. "There are plenty of other opportunities for talented women like Credlin," he said, while pointing to Page 3 of his newspaper The Sun.

TAYLOR SWIFT

Perhaps inspired by former Murdoch tabloid News of the World, hackers targeted beloved pop star Taylor Swift, seizing control of her Twitter and Instagram accounts. The Shake It Off singer was unfazed, perhaps buoyed by the $64 million she earned in 2014. It was initially rumoured the hacker was a reporter, attempting to falsify a belated endorsement of a campaign to have Swift enter Triple J's Hottest 100 countdown. But the attacker turned out to be an Xbox-playing, basement-dwelling, obsessive Swift fan known online as "Lizzard" of the "Lizard Squad". Polls showed he was still regarded as better boyfriend material than Swift's ex Harry Styles.

ROBERT ALLENBY

Also losing control of his phone was Australian golfer Robert Allenby, who claimed to have been abducted, robbed and bashed following a night out at a Waikiki wine bar. The story got a little hazier when it was revealed the PGA champ had racked up an NRL-esque $3400 strip club bill the same evening. Suggesting his drink may have been spiked, Allenby insisted with remarkable precision that "from 11:06pm to 1:27am I have no memory in my brain, I have nothing". The 43-year-old is expected to bring his honed recollection skills to a new role as a witness at the Independent Commission Against Corruption.

CAMPBELL NEWMAN

Another prominent Australian expected to go AWOL this week is Queensland Premier Campbell Newman, who stands to lose his seat of Ashgrove at Saturday's state election. Parachuted into the parliament in 2012, Newman quickly set about making enemies of public servants, environmentalists, unionists and bikies – all of whom, as it turns out, vote. The embattled leader's hopes were rekindled at the last minute when he "found" $1.3 billion to fund his party's election commitments. "It was behind the sofa the whole time – along with daylight savings, fluoride in the water and the Premier's Literary Awards," Newman announced.