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Fed up with reality show contestants whose talent is dwarfed by their ambition, Jan van de Stool decided to act.
She wrote a song telling these wannabes to get real. And what better way to deliver it than on reality TV?
The Holland-born musical therapist appeared on Sunday's episode of the Channel Nine program, Australia's Got Talent. Dedicating her anthem to "starry-eyed friends who are not content to be earth-bound", Jan bluntly declared:
If you're sure there's nothing you can't do, this song's for you
If you're sure there's no height too high to climb, this song's for you
If you're sure there's nothing you can't do
No goal too evasive to pursue, this song's for you
You're not gonna make it
You're not gonna make it
All that idle daydreaming will turn you into a slob
You're not gonna make it
You're not gonna make it
Get a job!
Sharp-eyed viewers may notice Jan van de Stool looks a lot like Queenie van de Zandt, a bona fide star of stage and screen (Into the Woods, King Kong, Cabaret). Queenie, however, carries a tune much better than her doppelganger, as this video from the Twisted Broadway concert proves:
Jan's off-key delivery did her no harm. Her message resonated strongly with the judges – Eddie Perfect, Kelly Osbourne, Sophie Monk and Ian "Dicko" Dickson.
"In the immortal words of Ricky Martin, 'Zat was very powerfool'," Perfect said.
She scored four "yes" verdicts, meaning she is still in the running for the $250,000 grand prize.
Having watched many talent shows over the years, Jan finally decided to audition for AGT.
"I'm always struck by how many talented people there are in Australia – and how many people are deluded," she told Fairfax Media.
It's something she observed while running her musical therapy course in the scout hall of Woy Woy, where she now lives.
"I see it all the time. People don't realise they don't have talent. They just have dreams. And dreams and talent are very different.
"So I try to help them – before they go down the long road of disappointment – I try to get to them early and say, 'Only professionals can get there.' It's lovely to have dreams. But you've got to be realistic."
Jan is keen to pierce another myth peddled by reality shows: that it's "whats on the inside that counts".
"We all know that's not true," she insists.
"It's absolutely about how you look, and you've got to take that into consideration."
"I remember watching The Voice years ago. There was a lovely singer, a fantastic singer. But she was an older lady, a bit fat – and you could hear that in her voice. And they didn't turn around.
"I'm fairly blessed. I'm naturally thin and I've always had a good figure, coming from Holland."
Unfortunately, Jan's pianist Helen is not looking her best right now. Just before Sunday's audition, she got a rash "all over her neck, into her mouth and her face", as Jan told the judges.
The was only one option: Jan booted her infected friend out of her act.
"I said to her, 'I'm sorry but you can't go on – not while you're looking so ugly. It will ruin my chances!' She had a little cry, and then she was fine."
Jan took an instant shine to Osbourne, daughter of rock legend Ozzy and TV host Sharon.
"Kylie [Osbourne], that girl from Ireland [Britain], is lovely. She's so famous and powerful, yet she was in a complete state of confusion over me, which I thought was interesting," she joked.
But Monk, a former member of girl group Bardot, is the judge she respects most.
"My gosh, she's a superstar in Australia! And so talented. Bardot would be nothing without her. Well in fact, Bardot is nothing, because it broke up ... but that's my point. She was everything.
"Then she went off to the United States! And she did ... um ... she did ... she's got lovely lips, hasn't she?"
Having just done her first reality TV audition, Jan has already snared her own Melbourne International Comedy Festival show – at Trades Hall, no less.
In the meantime, she'll practice her next AGT routine.
"I'll be doing some interpretive dance. I've got the body for it, so it would be a shame not to use it."
Australia's Got Talent airs 7pm Sundays and 7.30pm Mondays on Channel Nine.
Jan van de Stool stars in the Melbourne International Comedy Festival show I Get the Music in You, opening March 24.
By Michael Lallo
